This is toooo funny!!!!
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10 foot man eating gator in my pool and I' ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud spash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head buts, and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising Hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it floa t to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay, I don't want it." said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said NO.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
Ummm Help Wanted?
>A local business was looking for office help. They
>put a sign in the window saying:
>
>HELP WANTED
>Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
>Successful applicant must be bilingual.
>We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
>
>A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog
>trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
>inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his
>tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it,
>whined and pawed the air.
>
>The receptionist called the office manager. He was
>surprised, to say the least to see a canine
>applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so
>he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
>on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
>
>The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says
>you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went
>to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a
>perfect business letter. He took out the page and
>trotted over to the manager gave it to him, then
>jumped back up on the chair.
>
>The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That
>was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says
>that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
>
>The dog jumped down again, went to the computer
>and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
>various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and
>database, then presented them to the manager.
>
>The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog,
>"Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent
>applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog
>-- no way could I hire you."
>
>The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the
>window and pointed his paw at the words,
>"Equal Opportunity Employer."
>
>The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the
>sign says. But the sign also says you have
>to be bilingual."
>
>The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
>
>"Meow"
>
>Isaias 24:11 There shall be a crying for wine in the streets: all mirth is forsaken: the joy of the earth is gone away.
Words of Whiz..dom
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps
Weird Fun Thing
This is reallyweird....you have to go here, click on download file, but just tell it to run!!
then do what it says!!! Enjoy!!! Funny and weird!!!!
http://www.kemporama.com/optical.htm" title="http://www.kemporama.com/optical.htm" target="_blank"http://www.kemporama.com/opti...
IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
Matt 18:33 Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?
Interesting Stuff Part 3
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the United
States.
1959's A Raisin in the Sun was the first play by a black woman to be
produced on Broadway.
2 and 5 are the only prime numbers that end in 2 or 5.
203 million dollars is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next
hour.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
them and photocopying their buttocks.
25% of a human's bones are in its feet.
259200 people die every day.
315 words in the 1996 Webster's dictionary were mispelled.
27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless
existential hell."
3% of all mammals are monogamous
315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
315 words in the 1996 Webster's dictionary were mispelled.
4 tablespoons of ketchup has about the same amount of nutrition as a ripe
tomato.
40% of all people who come to a party snoop in your medicine cabinet.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
43.7% of all statistics are made up right on the spot
48% of astronauts experience motion sickness.
52% of Americans drink coffee.
55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.
56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball games each year
67 million pounds of pesticides and about 3 million tons of fertilizer
are used annually on lawns in the US.
78 rpm albums, used prior to 1948, were only capable of recording for
four minutes. It wasn't until later that year that Columbia Records
introduced 33 rpm albums capable of playing 23 minutes per side.
80% of animals on earth are insects.
80% of arrested criminals are male.
Psalm 98:8 Let the rivers clap their hands, the mountians shout with them
for joy.
The Puzzel From Linda
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the
seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the
driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several
off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my
pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the
contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets
and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything
there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the
man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though
we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just how you do it."
Isaias 48:22 There is no peace for the wicked, says the Lord
Cool Geography!
What you didn't learn in geography class!!
Alaska: More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in
Alaska
Amazon: The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20 percent of the world's
oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean
that ~ more than one hundred miles at sea, off the mouth of the river ~ one
can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon River
is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and
three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
Antarctica: Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by
any country.
90% of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents 70% of
all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, Antarctica is
essentially a desert. The average yearly precipitation is about two inches.
Although covered with ice (all but 0.4 percent of it), Antarctica is the
driest
place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil: Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around
Canada: Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada
is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
Chicago: Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the
world.
Detroit: Woodward Ave. in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M - 1,
because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus: Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years
before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited
city in existence.
Istanbul: Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two
continents.
New York City: The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz
musicians of the
1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city.
Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time ~ The Big Apple.
There are
more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York
City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv,
Israel.
Wilderness: Percentage of Africa that is wilderness 28%. Percentage of
North America that is wilderness 38%.
Ohio: There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is
man-made.
Rome: The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome,
Italy in
133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia: Siberia contains more than 25 percent of the world's forests.
SMOM: The smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military
Order of Malta (SMOM). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area
of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80; that's 20 less
people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, as
is the Vatican.
Sahara Desert: In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which
did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
St. Paul: St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man
named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there
(bootlegging)
Roads: Chances that a road is unpaved in the USA ~ 1 percent. Chances that a
road is unpaved in Canada ~ 75 percent.
United States: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are meant to be usable as
airstrips in times of war or other emergencies
"To the humble man, and to the humble man alone, the sun is really a sun; to the humble man, and to the humble man alone, the sea is really a sea."
Citizenship Test
U.S. Citizenship Test
Try this out - educational and fun. 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. Supposedly 96% of all HighSchool seniors FAILED this test...AND if that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too.
http://games.toast.net/independence" title="http://games.toast.net/independence" target="_blank"http://games.toast.net/indepe...
Chinese & Other Proverbs
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today. -Chinese Proverb If you are planning for a year, sow rice. If you are planning for a decade, plant trees. If you are planning for a lifetime, educate people. -Chinese Proverb If you can talk, you can sing; if you can walk, you can dance. -African Proverb Tell me who's your friend, and I'll tell you who you are. -Russian Proverb A joy that's shared is a joy made double. -John Ray, English Proverbs Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. -Swedish Proverb Man plans; God laughs. -Yiddish Saying When elephants fight, the grass always is the one that suffers. -Swahili Saying As a nail sticketh between a door and a hinge, so sticketh sin between buying and selling. -Anabaptist Saying Wherever the heart is, the feet don't hesitate to go. -Togo Saying When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. -Indian Proverb Visitor's footfalls are like medicine; they heal the sick. -Bantu Proverb No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place. -Zen Saying The death of an old person is like the loss of a library. -African Proverb Money is a good servant but a bad master. -H.G.Bohn, Handbook of Proverbs Danger and delight grow on one stalk. -English Proverb When "Do not evil" has been understood, then learn the harder, braver rule, "Do good." -Arthur Guiterman, A Poet's Proverbs The beginning of health is to know the disease. -Spanish Proverb It is part of the cure to wish to be cured. -Latin Proverb A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. -Irish Proverb |
Walmart Shopper!!
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, Texas,
where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building.
So A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.....On the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow", so she goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework.
"Oh mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are Visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exits solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Have a nice day....
Birds And Bees with a Twist
Birds And Bees with a Twist A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a Chat Room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a Chat Room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "You've Got Male."
Eccl. 34:17 The sould of him that fears the Lord is blessed.
Seniors
http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special" title="http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special" target="_blank"http://www.libertyhigh56.net/...%20pages/seniors/seniors.htm
Sirac 1:10 Fear of the Lord warms the heart, giving gladness and joy and length of days.
(It's Certianly not a servile fear
Cleaning Poem
Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer "yes." He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.<<Sigh>> Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
1 John 5:13 I write these things to you so that you may know that you have eternal lfe, you who believe in the name of the Son of God |
Cars we drove!!
If you have ever driven, had, or rode in a 1957 Chevy, or stopped at an A&W for a root beer in a frosted A&W Mug, then this video is tooo good to miss . . . Quire a lot of fond memories of 'simpler days, in our U.S.A.
http://objflicks.com/CarsWeDrove.htm" title="http://objflicks.com/CarsWeDrove.htm" target="_blank"http://objflicks.com/CarsWeDr...
Remarkable!!!
A The B-29 runs on four chainsaw motors. You can just imagine how much time, effort, skill and
money these guys have put into this thing. Just remarkable!
http://users.skynet.be/fa926657/files/B29.wmv" title="http://users.skynet.be/fa926657/files/B29.wmv" target="_blank"http://users.skynet.be/fa9266...
Great family viewing.
http://www.kitelife.com/videos/demo/bethell_p romo.htm" title="http://www.kitelife.com/videos/demo/bethell_p romo.htm" target="_blank"http://www.kitelife.com/video...
Best wishes & God Bless ~
Brno Czech Republic
Don't remember if I sent this site before!! Shoutpost!!
REALLY neat site, shows the buildings in and around Brno Czech Republic....worth seeing!!
Hi Eddie!
I found some interesting website about sightseeing in my region!
I guess you will enjoy!
http://www.brno.cz/toCP1250/index.php?nav01=2&" title="http://www.brno.cz/toCP1250/index.php?nav01=2&" target="_blank"http://www.brno.cz/toCP1250/i...;nav02=2222&nav03=84& amp;lan=en
Cheers,
Hehe Secret Service!!
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and
the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Eccl. 28:10 Refrain from strife, and you shall diminish your sins.
Hit the Jackpot
Martin is having a tough time in Las Vegas. Eventually, he
gambles away all of his money and has to borrow a quarter from
another gambler, just to use the men's room.
He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the
quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter
in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.
He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns
his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Soon, with a little smart money management, Martin is wealthy
beyond his wildest dreams, and goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story.
At the end of every lecture he tells his audiences that he will
always be grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the
man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
Martin peers at him from the stage and says, "Yes, I remember
you, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I was talking about
the guy who left the stall door open!"
Luke 10:11 Yet know this: the kingdom of god is at hand
World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" and the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
a lot with his buddies and drank beer whenever he wanted.
For MS Victims
dailyhealth@electricmessa ge.co.uk
11 Oct 2007
http://www.electricmessage.co.uk/hsi" title="http://www.electricmessage.co.uk/hsi" target="_blank"http://www.electricmessage.co...
Dear Reader,
According to the latest research findings high doses of up to 280,000
international units (IU) of vitamin D3 per week appear to be safe to
administer to multiple sclerosis (MS) patients.
Vitamin D has been found to be reduced in the blood of individuals
suffering from the disease, and raising levels by administering the
vitamin may prove to be beneficial.
************************* **********************
Assessing the results
************************* **********************
Researcher, Samantha M Kimball of the University of Toronto and her
colleagues gave twelve men and women in the active stage of MS 1,200
milligrams of calcium per day and a weekly dose of vitamin D that was
increased over six visits from 28,000 IU at the beginning of the study
to 280,000 IU at the end of 28 weeks.
Serum 25-hydroxyvitamin D, calcium, parathyroid hormone, liver enzymes
and creatinine levels (which assess kidney function), as well as
urinary calcium and creatinine were measured at the beginning of the
study, at each patient visit, and three months after the end of the
treatment period.
Although the participants' serum concentrations of 25-hydroxyvitamin D
rose to double the top of the normal range by the end of the study,
serum calcium levels and urinary calcium to creatinine did not increase
or exceed safe levels. In addition, disease progression and activity
did not appear to be affected by vitamin D treatment, yet the brain
lesions that are characteristic of the disease were reduced from an
average of 1.75 per patient to 0.83.
The researchers concluded that: "The widespread use of vitamin D
supplements (1000 IU)/d) has been advised as a simple way to improve
many aspects of public health. The present study provides an objective
confirmation that the recent proposal by Hathcock et al is appropriate
i.e., an upper limit of 250 micrograms/day (10 000 IU/d) for vitamin D
intake can be justified."
Life's Rules
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like slinlkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Isaias 24:3 With desolation shalll the earth be laid waste, and it shall be utterly spoiled: For the Lord has spoken this word
Excuses written to teachers
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a
parent. "Please execute him."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick
and I had her shot."
These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents
to excuse their children's absences from school.
In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that
slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited opnly to
students. An astonishing number of grownups blithely go about murdering the
King's English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime.
If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check
out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are
actual excuse notes received by teachers.
Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several
mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to
get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not
find him till I started making the beds.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a
funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marine's.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going
around school, her father even got hot last night.
1800's Pics
A Site with lots of pictures....thumbnails, you can click on and enlarge...dating back to the 1800's of the Natiive American's and Chinese in this country at that time...really a History in pictures...of this area...really interesting stuff!!
http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/mtfhtml/mfdigc ol/lists/mtfgrpTitles1.html" title="http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/mtfhtml/mfdigc ol/lists/mtfgrpTitles1.html" target="_blank"http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/...
For All Ages
This is very clever and informative for all ages...
turn on your sound click on the site below and enjoy it...
http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/gala xy.swf" title="http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/gala xy.swf" target="_blank"http://dingo.care-mail.com/ca...
See the news???
ABC News?
The US will have poverty that will rival India!
Tens of millions of elderly..on the streets!!
No more Army, Navy, Marines or Air Force!
Social Security....Abolished!
Income Tax Abolished
Federal Reserve Abolished
Severe Depression in the US!!
Ron Paul's Plan for the US if elected!!!!
Learn about Europe!
Here's a fun site that will help you know a tad more about Europe!! I did 45% on my first one, 55% on the second try..
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/country_europe_G2_dra g-drop.html" title="http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/country_europe_G2_dra g-drop.html" target="_blank"http://www.sheppardsoftware.c...
Interesting Trivia 2
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as
the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
(Official) Political Test
(This was published somewhere...might have been here...but really interesting!!)
I don't know the validity of this test. It may be a candidate's blog where you take the test and whatever you say, this candidate is your best choice. Or, it could have some validity assigning points for how you agree or disagree with the positions of the different candidates. The one they said I was closest to was not the one I thought it would be, but my candidate was in the top five.
The following is an interesting exercise.... You answer a few
questions then click the "find your candidate button" and the program selects the
candidate who's position on the issues is most like your own... You may be
surprised at what you find... I was....
Click the link below....
http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460" title="http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460" target="_blank"http://www.wqad.com/Global/li...
The Fall
Really cool stuff......too bad if it's true....and seems to be!!
At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in
>the year 1787, Alexander Tyler (a Scottish history professor at The
>University of Edinburgh) had this to say about "The Fall of The Athenian
>Republic" some 2,000 years prior. A democracy is always temporary in
>nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A
>democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover
>that
>they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that
>moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the
>most
>benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy
>will
>finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by
>a
>dictatorship." "The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from
>the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years,
>these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
>
>From Bondage to spiritual faith;
>From spiritual faith to great courage;
>From courage to liberty;
>From liberty to abundance;
>From abundance to complacency;
>From complacency to apathy;
>From apathy to dependence;
>From dependence back into bondage."
------------------------- ----------------
>Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul,
>Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the most recent
>
>Presidential election:
>
>Counties won:
>Gore = 677
>Bush = 2434
>
>Population of counties won by:
>Gore=127 million
>Bush=143 million
>
>Square miles of land won by:
>Gore=580,134
>Bush=2,427,039
>
>States won by:
>Gore=19
>Bush=29
>
>Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
>Gore=13.2
>Bush=2.1
>
>Professor Olson adds:
>"In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned
>by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory
>encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living
>off government welfare..." Olson believes the U.S. is now somewhere
>between
>the "apathy" and "complacency" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of
>democracy; with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having
>reached the "governmental dependency" phase.
Change E-mail address?
Great Scenery!!!
For Dog Lovers
This Dog site has everything for you dog lovers, Dog info, Clubs, Forums, IMS...etc....Also once you join you can get a free photo book of your pet from shutterfly!!
www.dogster.com
Your Billboard Song
Ever wonder what song was Billboard's number one song on the day you were born?
Me neither. But just in case you do want to find out, simply click on this link,
select your month and day and you will see a list of all the songs for all years.
http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/Se lectMonth.htm" title="http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/Se lectMonth.htm" target="_blank"http://www.joshhosler.biz/Num...
Now if you click on that link, it will atttempt to open and download using ITUNES or send you to Amazon to purchase the cd.
Which is kind of a pain in the ass. Why must everything be a cross promotional issue and try to force us to spend our money? I know its only 99 cents, if I really wanted the song-which I don't, or I'd already own it. But why does every little piece of minutiea information have to draw a profit somewhere?
How Smart are you?
The Weakest Link Re-visited!!
http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm" title="http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm" target="_blank"http://www.mikescomputerinfo....
Be RAF Pilot Dropmaster
TRY YOUR SKILL AS AN RAF--PILOT-DROPMASTER !!
Okay, all you pilots and wannabe pilots. Let's test your dexterity!
Here's your chance to see how you would do as the pilot (and loadmaster)
Of an RAF aircraft over a drop zone.
http://www.rafcareers.com/altitude/games/dz_gam e/dzgame.cfm" title="http://www.rafcareers.com/altitude/games/dz_gam e/dzgame.cfm" target="_blank"http://www.rafcareers.com/alt...
The New Car
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales. Services are pending...
John 5:24 Amen amen I say to you, he who hears my word and believes Him who sent
me, has life everlasting, and does not come to judgement but has passed from
death to life.
S.H.I.T. FACTs
Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from?
Well, here it is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship.
In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only
became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is
methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this
manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure
were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to
"Ship High In Transit."
In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
Neither did we.
We always thought it was a golf term.
"A change of opinions is almost unknown in an elderly military man."
OOPS Quiz answers!!!
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria-Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. In 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.
Quiz & Strange Facts 1
Questions - And Answers below
1. How long did the hundred year war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
5. What is Camel's hair brush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named
after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
U.S. Geography Test
OK Class,
It's time for your U.S. Geography Test!
You must drag and drop all 48 states
in the time allotted to be promoted to the 4th grade.
Click the web page below.. Ready.. Begin!
http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf" title="http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf" target="_blank"http://www.pibmug.com/files/m...
U.S. Citizenship Test
Don't think I could pass it!!!
Try this out - educational and fun. 24 out of 30 is considered a passing grade. Supposedly 96% of all HighSchool seniors FAILED this test...AND if that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too.
http://games.toast.net/independence" title="http://games.toast.net/independence" target="_blank"http://games.toast.net/indepe...
Words of Wisdom
Source Unknown
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20 and never see him again; it was probably worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Wisdom comes from good judgment and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
New News!
Ron Paul won another debate by a landslide this week despite efforts on the part of the mainstream media to limit the Congressman's exposure and to force Rudy Giuliani down the necks of viewers.
I hope this means that we may actually have a chance. But has anyone noticed that like in NewsWeek Magazine and others I'm sure it won't even list Ron Paul. My Mom said it doesn't say anything about him on the news. It is only on the net that he is getting publicity. Even Ron Paul noticed he doesn't get a mention most of the time. GO RON PAUL!!!
PS
New Eyewitness To WTC Basement Level Explosions
Saltalamacia describes "grenade" like bombs, backs up William Rodriguez' story, numerous others that were ignored by 9/11 Commission
A new eyewitness who was working in the WTC on 9/11 has gone on record to describe how he heard multiple grenade-like explosions around the basement levels of the north tower, backing up William Rodriguez' story, the WTC janitor who reported explosions before the first plane hit the tower.
Alta Avalanches
This avalanche and video was made on Sunday March 4. Due ot the unique weather conditions this year here this slide took almost the entrie snowpack to the ground, known as a depthoar slide. This is common in the Rocky Mountains due to dry air and extended cold weather conditions. Note the area below and around the slide are commonly skied but the area above is only open 10-20 days a year. What slid is Baldy Shoulder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYOQF6f4EX8" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYOQF6f4EX8" target="_blank"http://www.youtube.com/watch?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ0osmXOfvs" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ0osmXOfvs" target="_blank"http://www.youtube.com/watch?...
Interesting Trivia 1
Some of this has been around before, but some new stuff too!
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his
wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Service
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word
"service."
It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into
perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are
doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
Flying Nun...
The Flying Nun
A Highway Trooper is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel of the car he has pulled over. "I'm terribly sorry maam but its not safe to do 90 mph on the interstate."
"But all the signs said 90," she replied.
"Those are route signs, maam. This is route 90". At this point he looks in the back seat to see two more nuns, mouths ajar, eyes wide open, in an obvious state of shock.
"Whats the matter?" he asks.
"Oh, we just pulled off of route 101."
Groaner
This Week's Groaner
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go
ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars
did so.
The Moral of the Story:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has
Strange Calls
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Real Senior Humor
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
"Reason is always a kind of brute force;
those who appeal to the head rather than the heart,
however pallid and polite, are necessarily men of violence.
We speak of 'touching' a man's heart,
but we can do nothing to his head but hit it."
Games for the elderly
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
<B! RBut Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
"The Declaration of Independence dogmatically bases all rights on the fact that God created all men equal; and it is right; for if they were not created equal, they were certainly evolved unequal. There is no basis for democracy except in a dogma about the divine origin of man."
Menatlly Fit Defined
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Take a Train Here!!
Train from Moscow to Vladivostok tran-siberian
Look around the station!
Give conductor tickets and get on train...look around each compartment,
Click on people! and their stuff check out train thouroughly!
A line above, click on day 1 when train is moving click to go outside, and a
button on the sides helps you look around....do this on each day!
At the end look around, and click on side of train for more info
Bon Voyage!!! Enjoy your trip!!! My friend from Hungary sent me this.
http://www.eng.rzd.ru/images/flash/index.html" title="http://www.eng.rzd.ru/images/flash/index.html" target="_blank"http://www.eng.rzd.ru/images/...
Radio Controlled Aircraft show
A Bulletin Board
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5,763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew
University : " The future of the Jewish people is in
your hands."
4. The Butterfly Effect: Any time a person goes into
a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread
with mayonnaise, somewhere a Jew dies.
5. It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would
you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe,
seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
6. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking
a single paper from an envelope he found written on it
only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night
service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign
their names, but this week I received a letter from
someone who signed his name....and forgot to write a
letter.
7. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they
are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep
breath and gives a long, slow "oy". The second takes a
deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy".
The third takes a deep breath and says patiently,
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to
talk about our children."
8. A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish
women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
In the mid-60's, a US Navy cruiser stopped in
Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first
evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised
to receive the following letter from the wife of a
wealthy plantation owner.
Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age
party. I would like you to send four well mannered,
handsome, unmarried officers to attend the dance. They
should arrive at 8 p.m., prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation and dance with
lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We
don't like Jews."
At 8 PM on Thursday, the lady of the house heard a
rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress
uniform, four well-mannered, smiling black officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself
together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Goldberg
does not make mistakes."
"Sinning wouldn't be so popular if it's wages were paid immediately"
...IF.....
Some funny ones!
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
========================= ========================= ========================= =
World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" and the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
a lot with his buddies and drank beer whenever he wanted.
Something to Consider
something to think about!!!
Also turn on your speakers. It is awesome.
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
War does not determine who is right ; war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Interesting Info
"Almost" is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
"Asthma" and "isthmi" are the only six-letter words that begin and end with a vowel and have no other vowels between.
Canada" is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
"Duff" is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.
"Fickleheaded" and "fiddledeedee" are the longest words consisting only of letters in the first half of the alphabet.
"Flushable" toilets were in use in ancient Rome.
"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights." In the US "two weeks" is more commonly used.
"Forty" is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order. "One" is the only number with its letters in reverse alphabetical order.
"Four" is the only number whose number of letters in the name equals the number.
"Hang on Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
"Happy Birthday" was the first song to be performed in outer space, sung by the Apollo IX astronauts on March 8, 1969.
""Kemo Sabe, meaning an all knowing one, is actually a mispronunciation by Native American of the Spanish phrase, Quien lo Sabe, meaning one who knows."
The lunula is the half-moon shaped pale area at the bottom of finger nails.
"Ma is as selfless as I am" can be read the same way backwards. If you take away all the spaces you can see that all the letters can be spelled out both ways.
"Mad About You" star Paul Reiser plays the piano on the show's theme song.
"One thousand" contains the letter A, but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an A.
"Ough" can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.
"Rhythms" is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u.
"Second string," meaning "replacement or backup," comes from the middle ages. An archer always carried a second string in case the one on his bow broke.
Matt. 10:8 Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give.
Healthy Insanity
>20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
>
>1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sun glasses on and point
>Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
>2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
>3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
>with That.
>
>4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
>5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
>Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
>
>6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
>
>7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
>
>8. Don't use any punctuation
>
>9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
>
>10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
>
>11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
>
>12. Sing Along At! The