Country Funeral....!
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory,' I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
Truths in love
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies : "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor
Atheist's Holiday!!!
Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge!
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover , Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as ' April Fools Day ,' consider that Psalm 14: 1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture , he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!
Way to go, Judge!
AMEN
Forrest Gump funnny
FORREST GUMP
GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to
Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter
himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot
about you. I must tell you, though, that the place
is filling up fast, and we have been administering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short,
but you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever
told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the
test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He
returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him
up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two
days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks,
that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will
give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk
and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can
be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, Twelve? Twelve? Forrest,
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds
in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March
2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you
are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I
will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let
us go on with the third and final question. Can you
tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated
St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up
with your answers to my first two questions, but just
how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first
name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the
song, 'ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN...'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run
Forrest, run.'
The bird feeder
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
! Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!
Sportsmanlike conduct
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years."================
Eccl. 27:33 Anger and fury are both of them abominable, and the sinful man shall be subject to them.
Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
PLEASE NOTE:
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
PS What I publish here I don't do also at Shoutpost!!
Baptizing a Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The
preacher, again, asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
slpeling ipmorantt?
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid tooCna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
Bed Sheets Hehe
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He
suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his
ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked "What the heck is
going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: " I'm not real sure, but I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Matt 11:28 Come to me all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.
A Weirde
(Now read it backwards )
An Old Straggly Cat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight...starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O,' and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, by the way, I think she's pregnant - God only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.
Revenge is mine saith the Lord