Earth Hour
It's going to be another costly boondoggle for the consumer!! When we shut our lights off for the hour, we can shortly expect a raise in our electrical rates...the electrical companies are not going to settle for less money!!!
Our local Hi-rise apartments went to a new toilet that uses less water, I said, "watch for an increase in the water rate within 2 months"...it took 1 month, before they raised the rates.... They won't settle for less money either!!
Trivia
This should be fun and jog our memories. No repeats on the cartoons please. Send to all your friends and back to me. Willey......................... KatzandJammer Kids Eddie.......................... Red Ryder
God & Lawns
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Dumbest kid in the world ? ? ?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. ? Watch while I
prove it to you.'?
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.?
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. ?'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. ?
'Hey, son! ?May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'
The Genie
Since I didn't get killed so bad yesterday.....
- Ø Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
> Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
>
> "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
>
>
>
> "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
>
> "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
>
>
>
> "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
>
>
> "You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.
>
>
>
> "Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
>
>
>
> "Could I see him?"
>
>
>
> Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
>
>
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.
>
> Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>
>
>
> "Yes, I will," says the Genie.
>
>
>
> So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
>
>
>
> The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
>
>
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
>
>
>
> Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.
>
>
>
> "Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
>
>
>
> Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
The Spoon
& nbsp; I'll probably get killed for this...
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked , "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant."
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... But I use the spoon."
Techno Horrors
Techno Horror 1. While we are on the topic of genetically modified "Frankenfoods", here is a must read: a GM (genetically modified) corn is now in the food supply which causes male sterility. If you have any doubts at all that there are serious forces at work which are intent of reducing the population, please read this (http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/dia/track.jsp?v=2&" title="http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/dia/track.jsp?v=2&" target="_blank"http://salsa.democracyinactio...;c=gomy9gnCVpiw%2FdGiZYKh QeviqHH8O%2F7X). If you can figure out how this is NOT a depopulation move, please write to me at mailto:dr.laibow@gmail.com?subject=Depopulation and let me know.
Cool Web site!!
Check out the link. There are some interesting old photographs associated with this website.
I frequently go the for lunch on Saturday's. It's abouit a twenty minute drive away from where I live.
Jim
www.jollytanners.com/gallery.aspx
This needs YOU!!
Folks, I realize this has been published before, but what they would like you to do is daily if possible, click in here and click the button...that's all!! Nothing to sign up for...or in for...just click a button, and animals are being fed!! Story below!!!!
Hi, all you animal lovers.
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.
It takes less than a minute (How about 20 seconds) to go to their site
and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This
doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/" title="http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/" target="_blank"http://www.theanimalrescuesit...
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
Wise Words
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; Never test the depth of the water
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; with both feet
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience
is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
There is no separation between us and God; he is the ground of our being.
Getting HUGE Bucks!!
About the only thing they MIGHT NOT get is a Social Security check....but I wouldn't b et on it...
I understand ole Bill has earned $40,000,000 in the past six years. What a guy!
AND THE REST OF THE STORY... Hilarious Rotten Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under the 'Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan,' which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?)
< BR>If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense!
They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life.
Still makes sense.
Here is where it becomes interesting Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence 'had' to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clinton's charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent fo r the use of that extra residence, which is about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!
As she runs for President, will YOU vote for her?
RANDOM TIDBITS
Plagiarized From Pirategirl!!
RANDOM TIDBITS
The temperature of Earth's interior increases by 1 degree every 60
feet down.
Afternoon temperatures on Mars go up to about 80 degrees in some
areas, and down to -190 degrees F at night.
The average human eye can distinguish about 500 different shades of
gray.
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota is the size of 78 football
fields -- 9.5 million square feet. Bloomington and Minneapolis are the
two farthest north latitude cities to ever host a World Series game.
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will
not even be fully cured for another 200 years.
England's Stonehenge is estimated to be 1500 years older than Rome's
Colosseum.
If any of the heads on Mt. Rushmore had a body, it would be nearly
500 feet tall
Sweetbread is neither sweet, nor bread. It is a dish made up of the
pancreas or the thymus gland of a calf or lamb.
The fungus called truffles can cost $800 to $1,500 per pound. They
are sniffed out by female pigs, which detect a compound that is in
the saliva of male pigs as well. The same chemical is found in the
sweat of human males.
The largest item on any menu in the world is probably the roast camel,
sometimes served at Bedouin wedding feasts. The camel is stuffed
with a sheep's carcass, which is stuffed with chickens, which are
stuffed with fish, which are stuffed with eggs.
The ingredient in poison oak that makes you itch is called urushiol oil.
Cicadas are related to aphids, not grasshoppers, and look more like
large flies than grasshoppers.
The smallest horse in the world is 'Black Beauty', a dwarf miniature
horse. Black Beauty is only 18 1/2 inches tall. She was born in 1996
in Kitrell, North Carolina.
Today, more than 95 percent of paper is made from wood cellulose.
Two new trees are planted for every one tree harvested in the United
States.
In 1690, the first U.S. paper mill was built at Germantown, Pennsyl-
vania by William Rittenhouse.
A single piece of paper may contain new fibers as well as fibers which
have already been recycled. Papermaking fibers can typically be
recycled 5-7 times before they become too short to be recycled again.
If all morning newspapers read around the country were recycled,
41,000 trees would be saved daily and 6 million tons of waste would
never end up in landfills.
In the year 1900, the U.S. Paper industry produced an estimated 14
thousand tons of paper a day. Today's U.S. Paper industry produces
over 250 thousand tons of paper and paperboard every day.
There is no separation between us and God; he is the ground of our being
Naughty
A Hot date in South Dakota
An Sioux Falls man goes to his local drug store and says
to the pharmacist:
"I got a hot date tonight, and I need me some pertection.
How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
Tacks? You mean they don't stay on by themselves?
Courageous Words
WOW!
33 Senators Voted Against English as America's Official Language on June 6, 2007. On Wed. 6 June 2007 23:35:23 - 0500 Colonel Harry Riley, USA, Ret. wrote:
Senators:
Your vote against an amendment to the immigration Bill 1348......to make English America's official language is astounding. On D-Day, no less, when we honor those that sacrificed in order to secure the bedrock, character and principles of America, I can only surmise your vote reflects a loyalty to illegal aliens. I don't much care where you come from. What your religion is. Whether you're black, white, or some other color......male or female......Democrat, Republican or Independent....... But I do care when you are a United States Senator representing Citizens of America....and Vote against English as the official language of the United States.
Your vote reflects Betrayal. Political Surrender. Violates Your Pledge of Allegiance. Dishonors historical principle. Rejects Patriotism. Borders.
On traitorous action and, in my opinion, makes you unfit to serve as a United States Senator...impeachment... Recall........Or other appropriate action is warranted or worse
Four of you voting against English as America's Official Language are Presidential Candidates: Senator Biden, Senator Clinton, Senator Dodd and Senator Obama.
Four Senators vying to lead America, but won't or Don't have the courage to cast a vote in favor of 'English' as America's Official Language when 91% of American Citizens want English officially designated as our language.
This is the second time in the last several months this list of Senators have disgraced themselves as 'political Hacks'...... Unworthy as Senators and certainly unqualified to serve as President of the United States.
If America is as angry as I am, you will realize a backlash so stunning it will literally 'rock you out of your panties'......... And preferably totally out of the United States Senate.
The entire immigration bill is a farce... Your action only confirms this really isn't about America.....it is about self-serving politics......despicable at best. It has been said:
'Never Argue with an Idiot....They'll drag you down to their level!'
PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
'Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or Hanged!!!
YOU DON'T HEAR NOW
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected.
It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Holy God living and true, we owe Thee homage.
At 50,000 Feet
Planet mnemonics
I'm sure many of us used the old, "my very efficient mother just served us nine pickles" to remember the nine original planets. (or something similar)
National Geographic hosted a contest to come up with a current version. A 4th grader in Montana submitted the winning phrase, which now includes Ceres and Eris.
Here is the new one if you (are) using most up to date discoveries and definitions of planets:
My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants.
Tom the Baptist
Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
=============
Do we take as much care of our soul as of our body?
The FEMA Agent
Official U.S. Government FEMA Water Agent
A U.S. Government FEMA agent stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your FEMA water allocation.'
The old farmer said, "OK , but don't go in that field over there."
The FEMA Agent said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this Badge? This Badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the FEMA Agent running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the FEMA Agent with every step. The Agent was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your Badge! Your Badge! Show him your Official U.S. Government FEMA Badge!"
Are you a Redneck?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
#You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?
............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does
the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.
......................................................................
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
..................................................................
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the
Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next
one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************************* *
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
************************* *
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
************************* *
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
************************* *
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
************************* *
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
************************* *
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
************************* *
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
************************* *
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
************************* *
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
************************* *
At an Optometrist's Office :
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
************************* *
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
************************* *
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
************************* *
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
************************* *
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
************************* *
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
************************* *
At the Electric Company :
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
************************* *
In a Restaurant window :
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
************************* *
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
************************* *
At a Propane Filling Station ,
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
************************* *
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
God is our home and our noisy chaotic mind keeps us ignorant of the deeper reality of God, as the ground of our being
Sleep Tight
A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a
Canadian went to New York for Labor day. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl the Canadian because he
snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for the
same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they
voted to take turns.
The Trinidadian slept with Daryl on the first
night and came to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They
said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl
snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.'
The next night it was the Bajan's turn . In
the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all
disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!' He said,
'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him
all night.'
The third night was the Jamaican's turn .
Frank was a big burly wrestler. The next morning he
came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. 'Good
morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night....
He sat up and watched me all night long.
One serves God better by doing things in which one takes neither pleasure or delight.
Lowly Spud Wins!
From Newsmax
Potato Is Safest Food on Menu
A new British study has identified the lowly potato as the safest food on the menu, saying it is the least likely food to cause fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, eczema, and migraine.
The study, which involved giving food intolerance tests to over 8,000 volunteers, found that less than one percent of the participants tested positive for potatoes. "When you consider that each and every person in the UK eats on average 200lb of potatoes a year, this is really quite surprising," said study spokesman Les Rowley. "Whereas some food intolerances appear to be caused by too much of the same food, on a too regular basis, it seems that the potato is the exception to the rule."
Rowley said he believes the potato causes few problems because it breaks down easily in the digestive system, and added that the three foods which most often cause reactions are cow's milk, yeast, and egg white.
How observant are you?
& nbsp; &n bsp; I got lucky and got 14 but was amazed at what I missed!! ;
DIFFERENT WAYS
(or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
------------------------- ------------------------- -------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------------------------- ------------------------- -------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook, and really good with the kids".
------------------------- ------------------------- ---------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
------------- ------------------------- --------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------------------- ------------------------- ---------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
Hehe Announcement
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Letter to Bank!!
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My Thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a Happy, if ever so slightly Less Prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE' - "US SENIORS" !!!!!
And Remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
A Free alternative
A Free alternative to some of the expensive programs!!
best web site guides
Much Cheaper Way!!
I just read of some really great cures...but they are selling a book $40.00
So!!! I put the name of the book in Amazon and guess what?? Got it for 6.89 !!
Any time I read about some book, if I'm interested I always check for used edition at Amazon!! I've ordered books for about 5 people here using this great savings way!!! Give it a shot!!! You won't be sorry!!!!
ROBBERY
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun...and robs the bank!
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses.. He turns around and asks the next customer in line.. "Did you see me rob
this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun , points it to the customer's head and BANG !!! Shoots him in the head and
kills him!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,"Did You see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did!"
They walk among us!!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Some sun-bathing teenagers looked up at the Sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us!
===================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went To the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags Never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
===================
I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money
back again... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
This happened in Austin TX at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
===================
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon For a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." & nbsp; "They're already buy-one-get-one-free! ", she said, "so I guess they're both free because you have a coupon." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
===================
While looking at a house, my a prospective buyer asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When the Realtor explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all of today's technical changes."
They Walk Among Us!!
===================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I to! ld him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week" He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
===================
My neighbor has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
===================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time ! before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I
don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
===================
They Walk Among Us, AND they
Reproduce, and Worst of All . . .
& nbsp; &n bsp; They VOTE
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling - - - - - - Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
care.
(Well, my job is done Your turn)
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling - - - - - - Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
care.
(Well, my job is done Your turn)
Physical Exam
A man visits his doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"Oh about 165," the man replies.
The nurse puts him on the scale, which shows 187 lbs.
"Your height?", the nurse asks the man.
"Oh, about 6 feet," he says,
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5'8".
Finally, she takes his blood pressure, and declares it very high.
"Well, of course it is", the man exclaims. "What did you expect? When I came in here I was tall and lanky. No, I'm short and fat!"
========================= ========================= =========
CANNIBAL RESTAURANT
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of corruption, it takes all morning."