To Kill an American
THANK YOU AUSTRALIA & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p;
To Kill an American
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)
"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.
In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.
The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
< BR>
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
A sure sign of living in God's will, is being open to interruptions Mark 6:31-33
Poems you will like
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn
MAX
Meet MAX Men's answer to Maxine
& nbsp; &n bsp; Her job is to bitch
Mine is to give her a reason
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ---
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------- -- ------------------------- ---------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
------------------------- ----------- ------------------------- ------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't; there is a clock on the oven.
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
--------------- - ------------------------- ------------------------- -
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, And still think they are sexy.
------------------------- ------------------------- -----------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested .
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Only in God will we find the one thing necessary
AFTERLIFE
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!
Isaiah 7:9 Unless your faith is firm you shall not be firm
Brothers and Bulls
Jim and Bubba, two brothers from Tennessee inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. |
|
|
"Real progress in life begins when I stop making excuses for myself...
and start being honest..."
SLOW DANCE
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever
watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to
the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
Do you run through each day
On the
fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your
bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through
your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so
fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it
tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see
his
sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good
friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call
and say, "Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance
so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You
miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened
gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a
race.
Do take it slower
Hear the
music
Before the song is over.
Psalm 100:3 Know that the Lord is God; he made us, his we are.
'Perks' of being over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Psalm 124:2-3 Had not the Lord been with us- When men rose up against us,
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; then they would have swallowed us alive.
Old Age Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arriv es home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can'! t help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law,
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Lam. 2:19 Pour out your heart like water in the presence pof the Lord.
Blonde Good Samaritan
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
Spike
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He
won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under
ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO
NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest , meanest
looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had
said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
It's the little things that sometimes prove insurmountable in our lives, and we stumble and fall
Conundrum
Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a female village moneylender. The female Moneylender, who was old, fat and ugly, fancied the farmer's handsome son, Cliff.
So she proposed a bargain.
She said she would forego the farmer's debt if she could marry his son. Both the farmer and his son were horrified by the Proposal.
So the cunning female moneylender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter. She told them that she would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty moneybag. Then the son would have to pick one pebble from the bag.
If he picked the black pebble, he would become her husband and her father's debt would be forgiven.
If he picked the white pebble he need not marry her and his father's debt would still be forgiven.
But if he refused to pick a pebble, his father would be thrown into Jail
They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As she picked them up, the sharp-eyed son noticed that she had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.
She then asked the son to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the son? If you had to advise him, what would you have told him?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
The son should refuse to take a pebble.
The son should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a lying, backstabbing female cheat.
The son should pick a black pebble and sacrifice himself in order to save his father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.
The son's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if he chooses the above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the son to do?
Well, here is what he did....
The son put his hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, he fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," he said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that he had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit her Dishonesty, the son changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageo us one.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution.
It is only that we don't attempt to think.
A man is but a product of his thoughts.
- M. K. Gandhi
Murphy's Lesser Known Rules
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the old junk left
by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury Duty.
Let us go often to the foot of the cross.... We shall learn there what God has done for us, and what we aught to do for him.
BUBBLEWRAP
Relieve your stress. this is fun,
Down for the Count?
It looks like Shoutpost is down for the count!!
Your posts never get published...the board hasn't changed in several days!
Fun Survey
| What time is it | 14:05 |
| What's your full name | Duane Edward Williams |
| What are you most afraid of | Living too much longer |
| What is the most recent movie that you have seen on bootleg | none |
| Place of birth | Chance SD -Took a chance and look.... |
| Favorite food | Genuine Fried Chicken w/ pot & gravy |
| What's your natural hair color | Brown |
| Ever been to Freak Nick | Never heard of it |
| Ever been skinny dipping | yes |
| Love someone so much they made you cry | Yes/I think all of us have.... |
| Been in a car accident | Yes 6 Mo. recuperating |
| Croutons or bacon bits | neither |
| Favorite day of the week | Friday |
| Favorite restaurant | Morning Side |
| Favorite Flower | Hyacinth |
| Favorite sport to watch | Fights |
| Favorite drink | Water or Brandy Alexander occasionly |
| Favorite ice cream | Black Walnut |
| Warner Brothers/Disney | That's a difference? |
| Ever been on a ship | Yes |
| What color is your bedroom carpet | It's new but difficult to define |
| How many times did you fail your driver's test | Once |
| Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail | Fayzee & Bxgladiator |
| What do you do when you are bored | I'm rarely bored, but would read |
| What is Bedtime | Start 10:00 get there by Midnight |
| Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest | Hard to say if any will |
| Who will least likely respond | you |
| Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses | Everyone/anyone who responds |
| Favorite TV shows | Americas Funniest Video's |
| Last person you went to dinner with | Tom in going out..Brother if at home |
| Park or Zoo | Zoo/both |
| What are your favorite colors | Light blue/Green |
| How many tattoos do you have | just removeable ones for rally fun |
| How many pets do you have | None now, like training dogs & goldfish |
| Which came first, the chicken or the egg | Good Lord's gotta figure this one!! |
| What do you want to do before you die? | Be ready! Am ready |
| Have you ever been to Hawaii | No |
| Have you been to countries outside the U.S. | Yes |
| How many people are you sending this e-mail to? | Haven't decided yet |
| Tim e this survey ended | 14:16 |
Well Worth Watching!!!
This is not political, this is so worth one's time to listen and know just what some of us have known for many years (especially those of us who are "too old to understand") quote-unquote. Just listen to all the promises of today, and look at all of the programs on the books that require billions, and then add a few more trillion for later years. If and that is a big IF, we do not wake up, your children and grandchildren will never know the wonderful country we have enjoyed.
I’ve Learned
- Ø I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
> to the end, the faster it goes.
>
> I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask
> for.
>
> I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.
>
> I've learned...That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
> spectacular.
>
> I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
> appreciated and loved.
>
> I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me
> think I can?
>
> I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not
> change the facts.
>
> I've learned....That the less time I have to work, the more things I get
> done.
Something Fun to do!
It's fun to go look at different cities around the globe, also quite educational!!
http://www.earthcam.com/" title="http://www.earthcam.com/" target="_blank"http://www.earthcam.com/
The End of Colds & Flu?
Why do people catch the flu in the winter? The answer to the riddle comes to us from the unlikeliest of places: a maximum security prison!
Back in 2005, the Atascadero prison in California was hit with a severe flu outbreak. Inmates from all over the prison got sick. Yet one ward was unaffected. None of the prisoners in that ward got the flu - even after they mingled with infected inmates from other wards!
Why didn't the prisoners in that ward get sick? It turns out that the doctor in that ward was doing something the other doctors weren't: He was giving the prisoners daily doses of vitamin D.
Yes, vitamin D. We've known for years that vitamin D protects you against a whole host of illnesses, including osteoporosis and cancer. But recent research shows that vitamin D protects you against infections, too. That's because vitamin D stimulates your body to make a powerful germ-fighting substance called cathelicidin. And some scientists believe that cathelicidin just might be the most powerful natural antibiotic ever discovered!
It all makes sense. We know that our bodies make less vitamin D in the winter because there's less sunlight. So the reason we get sick in the winter has nothing to do with the cold; it has to do with the fact that our vitamin D levels are lower!
The South
> THE SOUTH---YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
>
> Tennessee
> The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
> Alabama
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- -------
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
>
> 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
>
> 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
>
> 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ---------
> Texas
>
> The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ----------
> Louisiana
>
> A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- -----------
> Mississippi
>
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
>
> Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
>
> The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------
>
> Georgia
>
> A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
>
> The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------
> North Carolina
>
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
>
> Then he got back in the ca r to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
>
> The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
>
> The man responded, 'Whe n you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ---------------
> And this from South Carolina
>
> 'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
Fun Facts left
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
16. No 13 on the list either.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
The Lie Detector - Hilarious!
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times
Confessions
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "Hey girls, we have been good friends for too long and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
Funny Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
Fun Stuff #2
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: ;
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne &n bsp;
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
if a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------- ------------------------- ---------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? &nb sp;
A. Obsession
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------&nb sp;
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------- ------------------------- ---------- &nb sp;
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Just for fun
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
------------------------- ------------------ & nbsp;
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
------------------------- ------------------ & nbsp;
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
------------------------- ------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
------------------------- ---------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
------------------------- ------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
------------------------- ------------------ & nbsp;
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
------------------------- ------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------------------- ------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
------------------------- ------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------&nb sp;
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------&nb sp;
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Women!!!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAst
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
_________________________ _______
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
_________________________ _____
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
_________________________ _______
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
_________________________ _______
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
_________________________ _______
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted
to you!
_________________________ _______
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........ "HEBREWS"
_________________________ _______
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
_________________________ _______
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece
=============
Psalm 96:11-12 Let the heavens be glad and the earth rejoice; let the sea and what fills it resound; let the plains be joyful and all that is in them!
Confucius says:
... man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
... man who throw dirt, losing ground.
... man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
... cow with no legs, ground beef.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become
shiftless.
... bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
... finding old man in dark, not hard.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
... woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
... support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
... man who eat too many jellybean, fart in Technicolor.
... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
... he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
... wash face in morning, neck at night.
Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
>
>
> Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
>
>
>
> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
>
>
>
> At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
>
>
> The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
>
>
>
> The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
>
>
>
> Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
>
>
>
> Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
>
>
>
> So the Minister asked the congregation -
>
>
>
> What can you learn from this demonstration?
>
>
>
> Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
>
>
>
> 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
>
> That pretty much ended the service
>
>
>
> I DON'T MAKE 'EM UP, I JUST SEND 'EM.
The Bulls...
- Ø > *My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits
> > > we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
> > > was a sign attached that said, *
> > >
*'** THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR**'*
> > > *My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated
> > > 50 times last year.'*
> > >
> > >
> > > *We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,*
> > >
> > >
> > > *''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
> > >
> > >
> > > *My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a
> > > week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'*
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, *
> > >
> > >
> > > *in capital letters,*
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
> > >
> > > *My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, *
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
> > > *
> > >
> > >
> > > *I looked at her and said, *
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'**Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'*
& nbsp; My condition has been upgraded from critical*
> > > * to stable and I should eventually *
> > >
> > > * make a full recovery.*
A Voice of Reason!!
it's death throes? He's now 82 years old and has a new book, and here are
some excerpts.
Lee Iacocca Says:
"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening?
Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder.
We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right
over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we
can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car.
But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads
when the politicians say, "Stay the course"
Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the
damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and
maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this
country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in
handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning
and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom
-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the
" America " my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.
I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're
not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.
The Biggest "C" is Crisis !
(Iacocca elaborates on nine Cs of leadership, crisis being the first.)
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis.
It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory.
Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a
battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes
tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other
time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the
ashes. A Hell of a Mess So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a
bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're
running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're
losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies
are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing,
and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in
trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed
every which way These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders
gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the
people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense?
I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making
us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent
billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to
do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina.
Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane,
or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial
hours after the storm.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again.
Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out
what you're going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore
our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there
could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies?
How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the
debit, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem.The silence
is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking
the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and
do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness
is being replaced with mediocrity.What is everybody so afraid of? That some
bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break.
Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough?
Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope I believe in America . In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the "Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the "Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this:
"You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America . It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had "enough."
Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and
care about. It's our country, folks; and it's our future. Our future is at stake!
BROWNIES!
Last week, I walked into my office to find a sandwich bag on my desk containing three chewy, tasty, homemade chocolate brownies. Some thoughtful and anonymous person who knew my love for tasty homemade brownies had placed them there, along with a handwritten short story.
I immediately sat down and began eating the first chewy, tasty, homemade brownie as I read the following story:
Two teenagers asked their father if they could go to the theater to watch a movie that all their friends had seen. After reading some reviews about the movie on the Internet, he denied their request. "Aw dad, why not?" they complained. "It's rated PG-13, and we're both older than thirteen!"
Dad replied: "Because that movie contains nudity and portrays
immorality as being normal and acceptable behavior."
"But dad, those are just very small parts of the movie! That's what our friends who've seen it have told us. The movie is two hours long and those scenes are just a few minutes of the total film! It's based on a true story, and good triumphs over evil, and there are other redeeming themes like courage and self-sacrifice. Even the movie review websites say that!"
"My answer is 'no,' and that is my final answer. You are welcome to stay home tonight, invite some of your friends over, and watch one of the good videos we have in our home collection. But you will not go and watch that film. End of discussion."
The two teenagers walked dejectedly into the family room and slumped down on the couch. As they sulked, they were surprised to hear the sounds of their father preparing something in the kitchen. They soon recognized the wonderful aroma of brownies baking in the oven, and one of the teenagers said to the other, "Dad must be feeling guilty, and now he's going to try to make it up to us with some fresh brownies. Maybe we can soften him with lots of praise when he brings them out to us and persuade him to let us go to that movie after all."
About that time I began eating the second brownie from the sandwich bag and wondered if there was some connection to the brownies I was eating and the brownies in the story. I kept reading ....
The teens were not disappointed. Soon their father appeared with a plate of warm brownies, which he offered to his kids. They each took one. Then their father said, "Before you eat, I want to tell you something: I love you both so much."
The teenagers smiled at each other with knowing glances. Dad was
softening.
"That is why I've made these brownies with the very best
ingredients. I've made them from scratch. Most of the ingredients are even organic. The best organic flour. The best free-range eggs. The best organic sugar. Premium Vanilla and chocolate."
The brownies looked mouthwatering, and the teens began to become a little impatient with their dad's long speech. "But I want to be perfectly honest with you. There is one ingredient I
added that is not usually found in brownies. I got that ingredient from our own back yard. But you needn't worry, because I only added the tiniest bit of that ingredient to your brownies. The amount of the portion is practically insignificant. So go ahead, take a bite and let me know what you think."
"Dad, would you mind telling us what that mystery ingredient is before we eat?"
"Why? The portion I added was so small. Just a teaspoonful. You won't even taste it."
"Come on, dad; just tell us what that ingredient is."
"Don't worry! It is organic, just like the other ingredients. "
"Dad!"
"Well, OK, if you insist. That secret ingredient is fresh organic...dog do."
I immediately stopped chewing that second brownie and I spit it out into the wastebasket by my desk. I continued reading, now fearful of the paragraphs that still remained. Both teens instantly dropped their brownies back on the plate and began inspecting their fingers with horror. "DAD! Why did you do that? You've tortured us by making us smell those brownies cooking for the last half hour, and now you tell us that you added dog do! We can't eat these brownies!"
"Why not? The amount of dog do is very small compared to the rest of the ingredients. It won't hurt you. It's been cooked right along with the other ingredients. You won't even taste it. It has the same consistency as the brownies. Go ahead and eat!"
"No, Dad..NEVER!"
"And that is the same reason I won't allow you to go watch that movie. You won't tolerate a little dog do in your brownies, so why should you tolerate a little immorality in your movies? We pray that God will not lead us into temptation, so how can we in good conscience entertain ourselves with something that will imprint a sinful image in our minds that will lead us into temptation long after we first see it?"
I discarded what remained of the second brownie as well as the entire untouched third brownie. What had been irresistible a minute go had become detestable. And only because of the very slim chance that what I was eating was slightly polluted. (Surely it wasn't..but I couldn't convince myself.)
Moses
> Recently, while going through an airport during one
> of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man
> with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe
> and sandals, holding a staff.
>
> President Bush went up to the man and said,
> "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
>
> The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
> ahead.
>
> The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
>
> The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
> president.
>
> The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside
> and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I
> crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?
>
&g t; The Secret Service agent looked at the man and
> agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say
> his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
> refusing to speak. Watch!"
>
> Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the
> man ignored him.
>
> The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
> white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
> Are you Moses?"
>
> The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh!
> Yes,I am Moses! "But the last time I talked to a bush,
> I spent 40 years wandering in the desert.
3 Norwegians
> >>> >> > graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that
> >>> >> > they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them
> >>> >> > can remember what they did the night before.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is
> >>> >> > asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated
> >>> >> > from St. Olaf College in Northfield Minnesota and believe in the
> >>> >> > almighty
> >>> >> > power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They
> >>> >> > throw the switch and nothing happens.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for
> >>> >> > Sven's forgiveness, and release him.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I
> >>> >> > yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead Minnesota and
> >>> >> > I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of
> >>> >> > the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his
> >>> >> > forgiveness, and release him.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the
> >>> >> > University of Nort' Dakota in Grand Forks and yust graduated with a
> >>> >> > degree in Electical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya
> >>> >> > ain't
> >>> >> > gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug dis t'ing in.
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3 . He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1.He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
still work to do.
John 13:35 By this shall everyone know you are my disciples, if you have love, for one another
How Old Are You REALLY?
honestly and you'll find out how old you REALLY are, and how long you
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