MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling  - - - - - - Hospital.
  Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
  line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
  Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
  you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
  nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
  beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
  memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
  to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
  down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
  part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
  care.

(Well, my job is done Your turn)