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| Weekly Funnies |
| 10.21.09 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
On his first skydive, a guy gets ready to make his first jump. His jump master sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft." So the fellow exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He pulls on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the damn truck won't be there either!"An oldie from a friend of mine: Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only there for five minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo!" He finished the second ticket and started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote! Personally, I didn't care. The car that he was putting tickets on was not mine. I came downtown on the bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I am retired. It's important for my health! A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi driver of Noo Yawk City." St, Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.. Then it's the priest's turn. He stands tall and booms out I am Joseph Snow, paster of Saint Mary's Church for the last forty three years." St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the priest. "That man before me was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why? How can this be?" St. Peter, looks to the priest and says, "Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed." This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little whit box to use for his house. He took home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Franks's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes then asked him again, "How about going to the bar for a drink?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting. "Hey in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: I heard you the first time...I'm putting my shoes on!" Leviticus 17:10 If any man whatsoever of the house of Israel and of the strangers that sojourn among them, eat blood: I will set my face against his soul, and will cut him off from among his people. (Vampires too?) |